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渣浪 (翻译@William_Sigerson)这可以算是喜剧演员个人最高荣誉了。囧叔保持了一贯的毫无中心思想发言方式，怪腔怪调的模仿了一堆参议员，然后又把到场来宾都寒颤了一通儿。感谢校对 @SiNeQuesber；@William_Sigerson 诚意出品 鸣谢：@囧司徒每日秀中文网
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奥巴马演讲视频：奥巴马白宫记者会晚宴变身段子手狂吐槽（演讲稿）
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【奥巴马白宫记者会晚宴变身段子手狂吐槽】一年一度的WHCD不仅是各路媒体欢聚一堂的盛宴，也是被媒体吐槽了整年的总统报仇雪恨的机会。奥巴马在一年一度的白宫记者协会晚宴上化身段子手,在自嘲了医保网站、支持率和NSA等糗事之后,他又开启了&无差别疯狂吐槽&模式,对准CNN,MSNBC和FOX News开火,又把保守党领袖挨个黑了一遍。不够调侃对手也不忘自嘲下自己。英语演讲稿：Thank you so much, everybody.
Have a seat, have a seat.
Before I get started, can we get the new presidential setup out here?(Aides bring out two ferns.)It was worked before.
(Laughter and applause.)
That&s more like it.It is great to be ba
奥巴马演讲视频：奥巴马白宫记者会晚宴变身段子手狂吐槽（演讲稿）
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【奥巴马白宫记者会晚宴变身段子手狂吐槽】一年一度的WHCD不仅是各路媒体欢聚一堂的盛宴，也是被媒体吐槽了整年的总统报仇雪恨的机会。奥巴马在一年一度的白宫记者协会晚宴上化身段子手,在自嘲了医保网站、支持率和NSA等糗事之后,他又开启了&无差别疯狂吐槽&模式,对准CNN,MSNBC和FOX News开火,又把保守党领袖挨个黑了一遍。不够调侃对手也不忘自嘲下自己。
Thank you so much, everybody.& Have a seat, have a seat.& Before I get started, can we get the new presidential setup out here?
(Aides bring out two ferns.)
It was worked before.& (Laughter and applause.)& That&s more like it.
It is great to be back.& What a year, huh?& I usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes.& After my stellar 2013, what could I possibly talk about?& (Laughter.)
I admit it & last year was rough.& Sheesh.& (Laughter.)& At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.& (Laughter.)
Of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov.& That could have gone better.& (Laughter.)& In 2008 my slogan was, &Yes We Can.&& In 2013 my slogan was, &Control-Alt-Delete.&& (Laughter.)& On the plus side, they did turn the launch of healthcare.gov into one of the year&s biggest movies.& (Laughter.)
But rather than dwell on the past, I would like to pivot to this dinner.& Let&s welcome our headliner this evening, Joel McHale.& (Applause.)& On &Community,& Joel plays a preening, self-obsessed narcissist.& So this dinner must be a real change of pace for you.& (Laughter.)
I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association for hosting us here tonight.& I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia.& The lengths we have to go to get CNN coverage these days.& (Laughter and applause.)& I think they&re still searching for their table.& (Laughter and applause.)
MSNBC is here.& They&re a little overwhelmed.& (Laughter.)& They&ve never seen an audience this big before.& (Laughter.)
But, look, everybody is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape.& For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news for promoting Obamacare to young people on Between Two Ferns.& But that&s what young people like to watch.& And to be fair, I am not the first person on television between two potted plants.& (Laughter and applause.)
Sometimes I do feel disrespected by you reporters.& But that&s okay.& Seattle Seahawk cornerback Richard Sherman is here tonight.& (Applause.)& And he gave me some great tips on how to handle it.& Jake Tapper, don&t you ever talk about me like that!& (Laughter.)& I&m the best President in the game!& (Laughter.)
What do you think, Richard?& Was that good?& A little more feeling next time?
While we&re talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story & an American won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years.& (Applause.)& Which was inspiring and only fair, since a Kenyan has been president for the last six.& (Laughter and applause.)& Had to even things out.& (Laughter.)
We have some other athletes here tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist Jamie Anderson is here.& We&re proud of her.& (Applause.)& Incredibly talented young lady.& Michelle and I watched the Olympics & we cannot believe what these folks do & death-defying feats & haven&t seen somebody pull a &180& that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada rancher from this dinner.& (Laughter.)& As a general rule, things don&t like end well if the sentence starts, &Let me tell you something I know about the negro.&& (Laughter.)& You don&t really need to hear the rest of it.& (Laughter and applause.)& Just a tip for you & don&t start your sentence that way.& (Laughter.)
Speaking of Rand Paul & (laughter) & Colorado legalized marijuana this year, an interesting social experiment.& I do hope it doesn&t lead to a whole lot of paranoid people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls.& (Laughter.)& That would be a problem.& (Laughter.)
And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight.& But as usual, they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front.& Hello, Fox News.& (Laughter and applause.)
I&m just kidding.& Let&s face it, Fox, you&ll miss me when I&m gone.& (Laughter.)& It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.& (Laughter and applause.)
A lot of us really are concerned about the way big money is influencing our politics.& I remember when a Super PAC was just me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars.& (Laughter.)
Of course, now that it&s 2014, Washington is obsessed on the midterms.& Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow Democrats don&t really want me campaigning with them.& And I don&t think that&s true & although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton.& (Laughter.)& I was a little hurt by that.& (Laughter.)
Both sides are doing whatever it takes to win the ruthless game.& Republicans & this is a true story & Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women.& This is true.& And I don&t know if it will work with women, but I understand that America&s teenage boys are signing up to run for the Senate in droves.& (Laughter.)
Anyway, while you guys focus on the horserace, I&m going to do what I do & I&m going to be focused on everyday Americans.& Just yesterday, I read a heartbreaking letter & you know I get letters from folks fro every day I get 10 that I read & this one got to me.& A Virginia man who&s been stuck in the same part- no r no chance to get ahead.& I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me.& (Laughter.)& You can just pick up the phone, Eric.& (Laughter.)
And I&m feeling sorry & believe it or not & for the Speaker of the House, as well.& These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black.& (Laughter and applause.)
But I have not given up the idea of working with Congress. In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I, we got a bill done together.& And I have to say, the signing ceremony was something special.& We&ve got a picture of it I think.& (Laughter.)
Look, I know, Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever.& Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have to wonder:& What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?& (Laughter and applause.)
One issue, for example, we haven&t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance.& Republicans continue to refuse to extend it.& And you know what, I am beginning to think they&ve got a point.& If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.& (Laughter and applause.)
Of course, there is one thing that keeps Republicans busy.& They have tried more than 50 times to repeal Obamacare.& Despite that, 8 million people signed up for health care in the first open enrollment.& (Applause.)& Which does lead one to ask, how well does Obamacare have to work before you don&t want to repeal it?& What if everybody&s cholesterol drops to 120?& (Laughter.)& What if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a Clippers game?& (Laughter.)& Not the old, Donald Sterling Clippers & the new Oprah Clippers.& Would that be good enough?& (Laughter.)& What if they gave Mitch McConnell a pulse?& (Laughter.)& What is it going to take?& (Laughter.)
Anyway, this year, I&ve promised to use more executive actions to get things done without Congress.& My critics call this the &imperial presidency.&& The truth is, I just show up every day in my office and do my job.& I&ve got a picture of this I think.& (Laughter and applause.)& You would think they&d appreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservative darling is none other than Vladimir Putin.& (Laughter.)& Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin is &headed straight for the Nobel Peace Prize.&& He said this.& Now I know it sounds crazy but to be fair, they give those to just about anybody these days.& (Laughter.)& So it could happen.
But it&s not just Pat & Rudy Giuliani said Putin is &what you call a leader.&& Mike Huckabee and Sean Hannity keep talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird.& (Laughter.)& Look it up & they talk about it a lot.& (Laughter.)
It is strange to think that I have just two and a half years left in this office.& Everywhere I look, there are reminders that I only hold this job temporarily.& (Laughter.)
But it&s a long time between now and 2016, and anything can happen.& You may have heard the other day, Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference.& (Laughter and applause.)& I love that picture.& (Laughter.)
Regardless of what happens, I&ve run my last campaign and I&m beginning to think about my legacy.& Some of you know & Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently announced he is naming a high school in Chicago after me, which is extremely humbling.& I was even more flattered to hear Rick Perry, who is here tonight, is doing the same thing in Texas.& Take a look.& (Laughter.)& Thank you, Rick.& It means a lot to me.& (Laughter and applause.)
And I intend to enjoy all the free time that I will have.& George W. Bush took up painting after he left office, which inspired me to take up my own artistic side.& (Laughter.)& I&m sure we&ve got a shot of this.& (Laughter.)& Maybe not.& The joke doesn&t work without the slide.& (Laughter.)& Oh well.& Assume that it was funny.& (Laughter.)& Does this happen to you, Joel?& It does?& Okay.
On a more serious note, tonight reminds us that we really are lucky to live in a country where reporters get to give a head of state a hard time on a daily basis & and then, once a year, give him or her the chance, at least, to try to return the favor.
But we also know that not every journalist, or photographer, or crewmember is so fortunate, because even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe like Ukraine, and Afghanistan, and Syria, and Egypt, who risk everything & in some cases, even give their lives & to report the news.
And what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance to ask a question.& As Steve mentioned, decades ago, an African American who wanted to cover his or her President might be barred from journalism school, burdened by Jim Crow, and, once in Washington, banned from press conferences.& But after years of effort, black editors and publishers began meeting with FDR&s press secretary, Steve Early.& And then they met with the President himself, who declared that a black reporter would get a credential.& And even when Harry McAlpin made history as the first African American to attend a presidential news conference, he wasn&t always welcomed by the other reporters.& But he was welcomed by the President, who told him, I&m glad to see you, McAlpin, and I&m very happy to have you here.
Now, that sentiment might have worn off once Harry asked him a question or two & (laughter) & and Harry&s battles continued.& But he made history.& And we&re s proud of Sherman and his family for being here tonight, and the White House Correspondents Association for creating a scholarship in Harry&s name.& (Applause.)
For over 100 years, even as the White House Correspondents Association has told the story of America&s progress, you&ve lived it, too & gradually allowing equal access to women, and minorities, and gays, and Americans with disabilities.& And, yes, radio, and television, and Internet reporters, as well.& And through it all, you&ve helped make sure that even as societies change, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between those who govern and those who ask questions doesn&t change.& And as Jay will attest, it&s a legacy you carry on enthusiastically& every single day.
And because this is the 100th anniversary of the Correspondents& Association, I actually recorded an additional brief video thanking all of you for your hard work.& Can we run the video?
(Video fails to play.)
THE PRESIDENT:& What&s going on?& (Laughter.)& I was told this would work.& Does anybody know how to fix this?& (Laughter.)
(Secretary Sebelius enters from backstage.)
THE PRESIDENT:& Oh, thank you.& (Laughter and applause.)& You got it?
SECRETARY SEBELIUS:& I got this & I see it all the time.& There, that should work.
(Video plays.)
THE PRESIDENT:& Thank you very much, everybody.& God bless you.& And God bless America, and thank you, Kathleen Sebelius.& (Applause.)
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本文相关应用▼2006年扣扣熊白宫演说 布什当场翻脸劳拉事后爆粗口
2006年扣扣熊白宫演说是指美国名嘴湿地文&扣扣熊（Stephen Colbert）于2006年4月29日在美国白宫新闻记者聚餐会上，用了24分钟挖苦乔治布什及白宫记者的演说。在未有传统媒体广泛介绍前，影片只靠网民推介而演变成全美热播作品，放上Youtube后，48小时内录得270万浏览率，在苹果iTunes上亦成为热卖作品，事件成为美国本土探讨传统媒体及网络文化的案例。
白宫记者协会每年均会举办一场晚宴，邀请美国总统及政要出席，2006年当时的协会主席Mark Smith负责邀请扣扣熊演出，在这场具争议的演说后，Mark Smith才承诺自己事前没有看过多少扣扣熊的作品。在整场演说上，扣扣熊除了多次嘲讽布什外，亦挖苦现场的白宫记者及其他出席政要，有部分笑话是专为今次活动而设，但更多内容是直接引自扣扣熊的节目扣扣熊报告。
他首先说自己与布什都是从&内心&（gut）里说真话，深信美国横跨大西洋及太平洋，话峰一转，说很想知道华盛顿政府怎样能改变这些事实。他又说自己深信民主政治，至少直至中国能用塑胶以3美元印制&民主&前是这样。中国驻美大使周文重成为首位被发炮的对象。&周文重大使，欢迎！你们伟大的国家令开心乐园餐变成可能。这值得庆祝。&他之后转向伊拉克问题：&我相信管治得最好的政府，就是管得最少的政府，以此标准而言，我们在伊拉克成立了美妙的政府。&
他之后声称自己很相信布什&这个男人&&有些调查说这个男人只有32%认受率，但我们这种人是不会理会调查的。这些只是一大堆统计，反映别人在现实中想什么，而现实多数都有自由派偏见。总统先生，不要理会其他人说一杯水是半满。&他引起半满水杯的比喻，假装安慰仍有三分二人是支持总统。
在场人士对连串笑话的反应，只属一般，其中说出挖苦新闻界的笑话，现在只有零落的笑声。他引述连串美国发生的灾难，然后说&&&这一切不过是发出强烈信息，说明不论美国发生什么事，她必然会反弹&&在全球最有力的新闻设计图片（staged photo ops）是如此。&
他之后问众人，为什么布什总会在大卫营铲草？&他其实是在发展另类能源，2008年我们就有用植物起动的车辆了！&他说：&我就是欢这个男人，他是一个好人（a good Joe），爱他的太太，叫她做自己最好的另一半（better half）...她真是一位淑女、一个奇妙的女人。&此时，总统望向夫人，两人微笑，但史提芬旋即说：&不过，夫人，我要投诉！（But I just have one beef, ma&#39am.）&
他投诉美国窜改历史，例如说巴拿马运河是在1941年兴建，而非1914年。他之后继续挖苦布什：&这个男人最伟大的地方，是他够稳定，你好清楚知道他的立场。&&他星期三相信的事，在星期一同样相信，不论星期二发生了什么事。世界在变，只有这个男人的信念不变。&
他再向传媒攻击：&我真是惊讶自己（今晚）被一大堆自由媒体包围，他们正在毁灭美国，只有福克斯電視台是例外。霍士新闻总会给你两面看法&&一个是总统的看法，另一个是副总统的看法。&他说这些传媒只是只字搬字，报道政府消息：&（新闻）是这样运作：总统做了决定，新闻官公布决定，你们这些传媒人把决定抄下。亦即决定，公布，打字。只要检查有没有串错字，就可以归家，看看家人，跟老婆做做爱，写下你脑海中盘旋的小说。所谓勇者无惧、敢于挑战政府的华盛顿记者，是小说！&此时，不少予会者发笑。
该影片最初在有线频道C-SPAN于2006年4月29日开始播放，当时一份工商刊物Editor and Publisher首先仔细地报道这段演讲，并形容在扣扣熊身边的人，显得不自在、失去笑容，不过，《纽约时报》和《芝加哥论坛报》虽然有报道晚宴，却未有提及扣扣熊的演说内容。路透社[5]及美联社[6]则略有报道这段演说，相比之下，《美国今日报》则以较大篇幅描述布什如何被扣扣熊挖苦。其余如CNN或霍士新闻亦没有播放扣扣熊的片段。不过，在演说过后的星期一，陆续有一些电视台的评论员在节目中讲述该影片，其中福克斯電視台一个节目上，主持人批评扣扣熊的表演过了界（over the line）。多次被扣扣熊批评的Tucker Carlson则在MSNBC节目上指扣扣熊的表演毫不有趣。
虽然扣扣熊的表演并不获现场观众及传媒喜欢，但扣扣熊一夜间成为网络热话雅虎录有关扣扣熊的纪录，急增5625%，他的演说在Youtube上占成首三位，直至Youtube在C-SPAN压力下，把影片删除前，影片在48小时内已有270万人浏览。在事件中，C-SPAN最终将网上播映权，独家售予Google，在两周内仍然是Google Video最受欢迎的影片。而最大详尽报道扣扣熊演说的Editor and Publisher及Salon，在网上亦录得接近破纪录的浏览人数。到了星期四，7万篇文章在博客上讲述这场演讲。一个叫ThankYouStephenColbert.org的网站由博客Greg Felice成立，首五天纪录了5个&多谢状&。
此时，传媒开始留意到网上传播的威力。在演说3星期后，扣扣熊这场演说的声带在苹果iTunes出售，销售曾高踞榜首。拥有该影片的C-SPAN随即以DVD发售内容，仍有数千人购。
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奥巴马2016白宫记者晚宴演讲【中英双语字幕】
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奥巴马2016白宫记者晚宴演讲【中英双语字幕】
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